...

[xp_daytripper]

Nice to know there's nothing I can do to make up for what I've done. Makes me wonder why I bother.

Tell me why I'm not off me face right now? Oh, that's because I'm trying to be a better person. Only there's no point because it doesn't count, does it? There's always going to be the past still against me.

Someone want to come and sit on me for a while? I don't trust myself right now.

Comments

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

I'll come sit on you. I'll even bring chocolate.

[xp_daytripper]

Ta, Terry. I'll try not to be too cranky at you.

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

You can be as cranky as you want. Can't be worse than Uncle Tom when a job fell through.

Oh, really?

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

Nothing we can do, then, is it?

Well, that's very liberating. I'm so glad that I've spent the last four months all in vain. Because I so enjoy self-crippling, near-death experiences, and putting myself in a lifedebt for no reason whatsoever.

You've already got a taker on the sittin-on-you part. As for me, I think I'm going to lock myself in my room and try very, very hard not to think about what you said - that it's all meaningless, that you can't atone for the past no matter how hard you try.

Empath

I'm sorry

[xp_daytripper]

I read that thread in Betsy's journal last night when I was already having a bad day with things, and probably over-reacted. Taking things too literally when I realise now it was in a religious sense, which is different.

Maybe _neither_ of us can atone for what we've done in the past, but that doesn't mean we can't change. Like we've been trying to do. Just because we can't change or make up for what's happened in the past isn't a reason for doing the same thing again. I'll always be a junkie - there's no _cure_ - but that's no reason why I shouldn't stop trying to get it under control. Just because you can't make up for what you've done to people isn't a reason why you should keep on the same way as then. If only because they'll shut us both down if we don't try and change.

Tell you what - next time you read something like that in my journal and you're getting "I need a fix" feelings down the link? Ignore me. I'm just being stupid. Again.

Heh

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

I'll do my best.

I know _that_ particular feeling goes both ways.

And you're probably right. I've been sitting here in my room, trying to think it through. To be a little less inflexible, as a mutual acquaintance of ours would say.

Jubilee stopped by. I feel much better now - we talked.

Manuel

Re: Heh

[xp_daytripper]

So, you're feeling better and I'm feeling better - mind if I drop by and not-talk? I don't want to think about all this for a while.

Re: Heh

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

Mmm, not-talking. A personal favorite of mine, if you mean the not-talking that I think you mean.

Yep, you do.

Sure, feel free to stop by. Mind the candles - I like watching the blues and yellows and reds of the flames. They help me focus.

Manuel

Re: Heh

[xp_daytripper]

You know, if it was anyone else but me, I'd say you were going for the romantic mood. *grins*

Hey now!

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

Why can't I be romantic with you? You seemed to indicate a little while ago that you liked it.

Manuel,
trying not to be angry

I was joking.

[xp_daytripper]

That's what the little *grins* was at the end.

I just... forget it. Nothing I say today is coming out right and I'm just pissing people off. Sorry. Again.

OH!

[x-empath.livejournal.com]

I am a gigantic stupidhead, as Marie-Ange would say.

I'm sorry.

Feel free to stop by if you want to. I'll even try to catch your jokes - I have trouble with humor in English.

Manuel

Later?

[xp_daytripper]

I'm tired and crabby today, and everything I say comes out wrong. I'm heading outside to get some air and try and clear my head. Come and find me later, if you still want to.

[x-blink.livejournal.com]

let me knwo if you need anything other than an ear - cause Terry has that.

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

I had two and I had Matt. He's a secret weapon.

[x-blink.livejournal.com]

and a very good one too.