Something a bit less angry.
Feb. 21st, 2005 07:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripperI've been doing a lot of thinking about this, over the last couple of days. It's been hard to come to a decision, since as soon as I thought I'd settled things I'd read something else on the journals and get shirty all over again and have to work at calming myself down enough to think.
I've been doing magic since I was five - I barely remember what came before. It's been responsible for pretty much every major thing in my life, and I can't imagine not having it, even tho' sometimes I might wish otherwise, considering some of the shite it's put me through. I don't claim to know all there is - hell, Tante Mattie told me I was just at the beginning, and sometimes I think she was right. It can be dangerous, and scary, and I don't enjoy the headaches and nosebleeds, even if it might seem than way sometimes. But... it's mine.
I told Pete, when I talked to him yesterday afternoon... I won't do any more major spells, for any reason, without talking it over with someone first. But I don't want people to stop asking me for help on the smaller stuff, like Miles with George the werelight when he has bad dreams, and after that post, that's what I'm afraid of. That everyone will think I'm too fragile to do anything, or that I can't say no to people, and just stop talking to me about the magic at all. Because it's already hard enough having all these different rules and consequences, and going off for separate lessons and all. I don't know if McCoy's ban is going to stand, given the state of his health when he made it and all, but if it does... well, I don't know what I'll do. I can't use the magic for myself, and if people can't ask, then I'm screwed. So if it is going to stand, I want a second hearing or appeal or something like that.
I know I don't have a great rep as far as knowing my limits goes, but I am trying. The spell was one I've done before, and I had some help with it. I've learned my lesson tho' - I won't be doing that one ever again, no matter what the excuse. It's just too much, and too dangerous, and if it hadn't been life and death to the person who needed it, I wouldn't have done it. And that's the honest truth.
I've been doing magic since I was five - I barely remember what came before. It's been responsible for pretty much every major thing in my life, and I can't imagine not having it, even tho' sometimes I might wish otherwise, considering some of the shite it's put me through. I don't claim to know all there is - hell, Tante Mattie told me I was just at the beginning, and sometimes I think she was right. It can be dangerous, and scary, and I don't enjoy the headaches and nosebleeds, even if it might seem than way sometimes. But... it's mine.
I told Pete, when I talked to him yesterday afternoon... I won't do any more major spells, for any reason, without talking it over with someone first. But I don't want people to stop asking me for help on the smaller stuff, like Miles with George the werelight when he has bad dreams, and after that post, that's what I'm afraid of. That everyone will think I'm too fragile to do anything, or that I can't say no to people, and just stop talking to me about the magic at all. Because it's already hard enough having all these different rules and consequences, and going off for separate lessons and all. I don't know if McCoy's ban is going to stand, given the state of his health when he made it and all, but if it does... well, I don't know what I'll do. I can't use the magic for myself, and if people can't ask, then I'm screwed. So if it is going to stand, I want a second hearing or appeal or something like that.
I know I don't have a great rep as far as knowing my limits goes, but I am trying. The spell was one I've done before, and I had some help with it. I've learned my lesson tho' - I won't be doing that one ever again, no matter what the excuse. It's just too much, and too dangerous, and if it hadn't been life and death to the person who needed it, I wouldn't have done it. And that's the honest truth.
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Date: 2005-02-21 12:47 pm (UTC)And I'm still sorry. I was worrid about you is all.
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Date: 2005-02-21 12:50 pm (UTC)And I'll talk to Moira, and let her do whatever tests you likes, okay? Just don't stress yourself any more about it.
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Date: 2005-02-21 07:08 pm (UTC)You can always say "no".
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Date: 2005-02-21 08:54 pm (UTC)He explained, when I yelled at him, that he wasn't stopping me from doing spells, just from other people asking. Thing is, he didn't know about the whole 'unselfish use of magic' side of things, since science can't get you damned to a hell dimension or something if you do it for the wrong reasons.
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Date: 2005-02-21 08:57 pm (UTC)Magic and calculus really don't cooperate well, in other words.
I get what you're saying, and if you're still up for very minor stuff - that light globe thing, for example - I'm always curious to study it.
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Date: 2005-02-21 10:18 pm (UTC)Werelights are easy - first spell I ever learnt, so they don't take any effort. I'll need a couple more days to rest up from the other, since the headache's still there, but once I'm fit, I'll let you know.